So, it’s been awhile, but I, T, figure we need to bring everyone up to speed on our trip to the jungle. I love my wife with all my heart, but I do believe that she’s actively trying to find ways of making my life “interesting.” Last Tuesday morning I found myself muttering the following to myself while walking the jungle:

“Let’s go on safari…she says

It’ll be fun…she says

What could happen?…she says”

Understand that was the clean version.

It all started innocently enough with an early morning canoe ride down the river.

After a twenty minute canoe ride down river from our camp, we hopped ashore and were given the following instructions from our guide:

If you see a rhino: run zig zag and climb a tree
If you see a sloth bear: stand still and make a lot of noise
If you see a tiger: pray to God

I know what you’re thinking, but he wasn’t kidding. Often times tourists taking the jungle walk see nothing and go home disappointed thinking they would have been better off visiting the elephant birthing center.

Rest assured, we were not disappointed.

Within fifteen minutes of wandering we plunged under the canopy of trees and soon found ourselves taking cover as our guide spotted a rhino twenty meters ahead sleeping. To me it looked like two large rocks,

but as soon as it began to move my heart shot up into my throat as we tried to remain still. After a few more tense minutes of waiting, our guide asked if anyone had a lighter or matches. M & I don’t smoke, but fortunately the two stoners who accompanied us on our walk provided their lighter and soon our guide calmly started a small brush fire to ward off the beast with smoke.

From there on, the rest of the walk proved relatively tame as we encountered some elephants, monkeys, and birds before returning to camp.

Having survived I figured I could use a bath and decided to take one in the river with our next door neighbor by the camp, Puja the elephant.

Perhaps the heat had fried my brain, but I really didn’t hesitate to strip down to my underwear and give it a try. Surprisingly enough it was rather refreshing to get blasted with water coming from an elephant’s snout.

Following lunch we met up with a group heading off for elephant rides and once again bumped into Cheech & Chong. After reliving our adventure from earlier, Cheech turns and says, “I was really hoping the rhino would charge so I could get it on video!”

At this point I wanted to take the beer bottle in his hand and crack it over his head, but figured he was too baked to even feel it. Fortunately we soon arrived at the edge of the jungle and found Puja with her driver ready to give us a ride. Poor Puja had me and M up front relatively balanced; meanwhile Mama wanted no part of the stoners and decided to pair off with a small Chinese girl in the back. Needless to say our driver tried in vain to adjust the balance throughout our ride.

Puja held up beautifully for the better part of two hours as we saw deer, crocodiles, birds, and plenty of rhinos. From up high they look a lot smaller and significantly less threatening.

After a great day together, I made sure to reward Puja for her work.

Finally for the evening’s festivities we were entertained by the locals with a dance ceremony that combined rhythm, martial arts, and fire.